The summer stumble


This what years of collecting bathing suits looks like. One piece, two piece, maternity, pre baby and post baby. All the suits for the many ways my body has changed in the past fifteen years or so.

When it’s March break and you think it’s a great idea to take your kids to a water park and you pack up their bathing suits from last year, that still fit, then remember that you too will need one…the struggle begins. I went down to our deep dark dungeon of an unfinished basement full of totes, christmas decorations and a few decaying mice to dig through to find these colourful body shaming articles of polyester, nylon and spandex. I have a lot so I was bound to find a suitable match for our day trip to the water park….right? I carry them all up, lay them out on the bed and begin to try them on. One after another i flung them off …too big, too small, not nearly enough coverage for my Mom bod. I found one that was decent. One that covered my sagging csection belly courtesy of 4 children, one that held up my gravity induced breasts, courtesy of 4 breast-fed children, one that I didn’t completely hate my self in and even that ONE didn’t make me feel comfortable. As I write this I know there are people saying that I worked hard, that I’ve come along away. Be proud of the body you are in because you carried 4 beautiful amazing healthy babes inside of it…BUT no one can say a thing to make you feel better when you can’t get past how your body has changed in what seems like a short period of time. I am in the best shape of my life right now, I have a ways to go but I have never felt better. So why can’t I look at my not so tight tummy and think “yeah! 4 babies and I look damn good!” because that’s not how it works. We are told everyday in life and social media to empower women, to embrace the curves, embrace the stretch marks and saggy boobs. Easier said than done, I say! There has to be away around it, to get out of your own head and see the positives. To not be afraid if what others with think. Do they know I had babies? thats why I have this belly you know… Why are we all struggling to make sure others are content with our bodies when in reality all that matters is your own happiness.

Maybe it depends on the day…Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow and hope that my confidence levels and zero care attitude are at an all time high, maybe tomorrow is the day I am happy in the skin I’m in! …and if not, we’ll try again the next day.


Back to school

It’s that time of year again! Back to school! That time of year where news feeds are flooded with semi happy kids with new backpacks waiting at the bus stop and sad momma’s crying in the car as their babies leave….I am not one of those moms. I’m no robot but my first day of school journey is definitely a happy one!

When Phoenix and Declan first started school it was a blessing. Daycare costs for those two were out of control and we had three kids in daycare to pay for. So when they started I was overjoyed (and so was our bank account) When Mason started I wasn’t sad because he was sooooo ready. He needed to go school. Although I was sad to take him away from his ‘babysitter’… She might have been more first day of school sad then I was.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do feel a little a little twinge of sadness as my babies grow up and become little men. Phoenix and Declan are in grade 2 this year and Mason is in SK. Time is flying by! I may even shed a tear when Nixon goes to school, after all he is my baby! But overall, the first day of school signifies new beginnings for our little family. When your kids come home with what they’ve learned it in that day it just blows me away how smart they are, how much they are retaining and how grown up they are getting. It’s a new stage where I don’t want them to stay babies but wanting them to flourish into boys, like real boys. I can carry on a conversation with them and I have been known to learn a thing or two from my smarty pants 7 year olds!

So big hugs to the sad momma’s but cheers to our kids learning new things everyday that help make them into perfect little beings! Cheers to routine and early bedtime, making new friends and hanging out with their old ones.

Happy first day everyone!

When I grow up…

Since a young age we are asked what we want to be when we grow up. A fireman, a ballerina, chef , so on and so on. Again in high school we are asked what we want to be when we grow up…only this time things are getting serious. These days you have to know what you are going to be…or at least want to be as soon as you hit grade nine. Well I’m here to tell you I am 35 and the that question still looms.

When I was little I wanted to be a fireman, like my Dad. Then I wanted to be a dispatcher, like my uncle Bill. When it came down to my guidance councillor asking me flat out…I decided I wanted to go into Fire inspection at sir Sanford Fleming. Well the joke was on me because I hadn’t taken any courses I needed to apply and didn’t have the highest grades so I just gave up.

This led to me taking a ‘year off’ I worked, partied and lived in London. When it came up to my year I randomly chose banking. I mean we are always going to need banks…right?! I went to Westervelt College in London and received honours in my classes. When I was done I had an interview at RBC where I was told I would receive minimum wage and that the $10 000 in school I just went in debt for was useless because they train you themselves. cool. good to know. I was completely thrown off and since I was making more than minimum wage at my job then, I quickly got off the banking path. I thought I could do better…I took a job in the shipping department of a warehouse and loved it…then I got laid off. Receptionist at an electric company…then got laid off.  Working at Shell and part-time as a waitress at a hometown sports bar were my only constants.

In 2008 I was hired at Toyota. Back then this was a huge deal. The money was amazing, it was hard to get hired there, the process took me a year and a half! I was making money and loving the job! 2011 comes along and so does my twins Phoenix and Declan, then in 2013 came mason and 2017 Nixon. With each passing year, and child, my dreams of ‘when I grow up’ seem further and further away. I felt like I was never going to have a passion, a real stance on what I wanted to do with my life. I was factory worker. Don’t get me wrong, I still like my job, love the money and the life isn’t for everyone (some days not even me) but I have a constant feeling of wanting more.

I’ve taken accounting courses, workshops, and currently a social media marketing course. All to better my abilities and learn new content so one day I won’t be afraid to leave a steady, stable, well-paying, great benefits, pension giving job and do something I love and exceed in!

I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t coast through life (or high school) work hard, set goals and blast them out of the water! I should have tried harder, I should have focused better and not just been happy with my B average when I was clearly destined for the A!